Monday, September 26, 2016
This month has been an odd one for me - call it Mercury retrograde, or saying goodbye to my mum and dad (always one of the hardest times of year for me), or just confusion around where I am and what I want - whatever the reason, it really threw me for a loop. And I let it get the better of me for some time, burying my head in the sand or pushing away those closest to me because I felt judged or not good enough. I'm definitely the kind of person that won't know how to ask for help, will go looking for it, and get frustrated when others won't anticipate what I need, all the while feeling isolated and like I need to figure out everything on my own. It's a breeze, being close to me!
Anyway, on one such 'figure things out on my own' day, I found myself listening to Jess Lively's podcast - something that always used to uplift me through long, tiring days at my desk when I was feeling creatively uninspired. It just so happened that her most recent episodes documented her 'Lively adventure' - she's been travelling Europe, then the States, and now Europe once again, since around May or June time I believe. She'd been doing a lot of soul searching and asking herself what she wanted too, and in a moment of brilliant serendipity, had recorded these episodes at just the time I needed to hear them.
One of the things Jess concentrates on is finding flow, and going where your flow is taking you - sure, it sounds a bit 'woo woo', but stay with me. In looking for your path or flow direction, it's often necessary to tap into your intuition - that 'gut' or 'heart' voice that guides you quietly, beyond the voice of 'wanting' - your ego. She explains it so much more beautifully here, but this is the ethos with which she's guiding her life right now. I found it so inspiring and fascinating that I wanted to see if it would work for me - I was lacking direction and certainty and a connection to myself and honestly, was willing to try anything.
Jess talks about writing to her intuition as the way she taps into this voice and helps herself make decisions, and it seemed as good an idea as any. This Saturday I took the whole day for myself, shut off my phone, did yoga, meditated, and then lit almost every candle I own in an attempt to coax my intuition out. I figured it was most probably romantic, like me, and would appreciate the gesture. I sat down with a notepad and pencil (I thought perhaps I or my intuition might make mistakes), and wrote down my first question.
At first it was hard - I was judging myself a lot and kept wanting to write down really beautiful, well-constructed, 'should' answers. Answers that I thought were right. But I kept Jess' advice in mind and waited. And waited. And waited. And then eventually, a very small voice started to write back - I felt it from my gut. And from there a whole conversation started. Some answers I had to wait longer for the answers to than others - my ego quite often wanted to interfere and 'should' all over the reasoning. But holding off and just letting things happen, I felt something start to shift - everything felt easy. Calm. Quieted. I wasn't frantic and fretting over the outcome of things, just peaceful in the knowledge that this felt right.
While I'm not going to write the conversation here, I can tell you it was surprising to me. I went back and read it and it reads like two separate people talking - one very skittish, one very still. I found my intuition spoke mainly in statements, and wasn't self-critiquing - it didn't need to have 'all the answers' right now. Once I'd finished I felt so much more calm and happy with where I was - I knew what I had to do next and, past that, I didn't need to think on it. I can't tell you how much I'd recommend it! Even if you're not in a messy headspace or worried about aspects of your life, it's still so interesting to check in with where your head and deeper consciousness are at. And at the very least - Jess' podcast is well worth a listen. Go check it out!