At the start of 2013 I made a lot of promises to myself. In fact, I made a whole list of goals and tried to come up with all kinds of disciplinary actions to force myself into change. A plan that started out with 'baby steps' soon turned into a regime that I couldn't convince myself to get on board with. Unfortunately, I'm quite an impatient person. When I start making changes, I want to make them all, I want to fix everything and I want to fix it now. Nightmare, right? Anyway, around a month into the year and a bunch of 'fresh starts' within my plan (everything always begins again on Monday, have you noticed that?), I felt lonely, disappointed in myself, desperate for a change and found I was reaching for anything that was vaguely sugary. 

I had spent so much of my time on vices - eating badly, not working out, indulging in 'junk TV' to pass the time and not putting my all into my work. I work primarily from home, which is a whole other set of challenges for a different time, but it does make it very easy to get stuck in a rut. I treated myself badly and when I did indulge, would often look to 'punish' myself by way of repentance. For example, if I had chocolate or pizza one evening, I'd look to cut out a meal the next day. This then made me tired and lethargic, meaning I wouldn't have the energy or willpower to make something healthy for dinner, which would lead to another quick 'fast food' solution. The cycle perpetuated. 

The only time I ever felt 'happy' was when my boyfriend would get home from work and we'd spend time together. I associated that feeling of 'reward' with mealtimes and treats we'd share together. I think a lot of couples find that they can slip into a kind of behavioral cycle of how they spend their 'alone time'. For the duration of a really harsh winter, we'd spend most of our nights in, watching movies and chilling together, usually with something delicious. It doesn't sound like much as a once-a-week date night, but when it becomes every night? You kind of start to turn into a gourd looking object. Literally. There's a reason why the expression 'couch potato' exists.

I'm all for fun. In fact, I'm all for vices. I'm all for ice cream, naughty pre-payday splurges and 'playing hooky' (in LOVE with that expression) once in a while. The whole reason I created this blog was to celebrate those moments of indulgence in life. But I'm also about being healthy, looking after my body and recognizing when enough is enough. The sun has come out and it's time to shake off the winter blues.

So, four months into the year and taking an anti-Monday stance (I started this whole change on Tuesday), I decided that there was no 'right time' for changing my behaviour. I just had to man-up and do it. I've started working out (she says dubiously), I'm making an effort to eat more mindfully and my Easter egg was the last piece of chocolate I had. Treats are fine, for once a week. Missing a workout is alright, but you get right back on it the next day. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be different than before. A new outlook.

And who knows, maybe I'll discover some new vices along the way... Sweaty Betty workout gear, anyone?

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